Oh my gosh, oh my gosh...I can't believe it, but I'm actually done writing my candidacy essay!
*
To be fair, it's not finished - I want feedback from people whose thoughts matter to me, and as the consummate writing Nazi I'll be tweaking words and structure and grammar and syntax for a few days - but once and for all, I put pen to paper and out flowed six pages (SIX PAGES!) of heartfelt thought. And I'm really proud and happy with my first draft.
*
The candidacy essay is really the only thing standing between me and seminary, and therefore me and the rest of my life. The ELCA's application is very basic, a lot like a job application, save for the 2500-word Faith Autobiography they ask you to include. Because my candidacy committee is reading it - and uses it to determine my readiness for a seminary education, my spiritual fitness to follow through with my intended career path - it has intimidated the bejeezus out of me for over a year. It makes (or rather made) me nauseous. I couldn't think of how to start it, what to say, even where to write it. But yesterday I decided to buck up and get it over with.
*
I sat down in Starbucks and titled a piece of paper thus:
"Monday, September 21, 2009. Okay, essay: let's dance."
*
There were 5 bullet points the ELCA asks a candidate to cover in their essay; I opted to write what came to mind before I reviewed them, then go back and cover whatever I left out. Today, after I finished the sixth page and felt satisfied that my essay was an authentic representation of my reflection of my call, I went back to look at the bullets...and found that I'd covered everything. In detail. If that's not a Godwink, I don't know what is.
*
Right now, I think it's like I'm making muffins, and I put all of the ingredients in a bowl. Tomorrow I'm going to pick out a few bits of eggshell, mix the whole thing up, fold in some nuts...and see what happens. But at least it's all in there.
*
I'll post the whole thing once I have it typed and polished, but for now, here are a few bits and pieces:
-I was the first baby baptized at Spirit of Joy Lutheran Church in Fort Collins, Colorado. My baptism has always felt very...purposeful in the way it came about.
-Other than the notable experience of engaging in a knock-down, drag-out theological fight with an acquaintance in the FCHS library during junior year, I mostly stayed unattached from my faith through high school and into the start of my undergrad at CU.
-As a Mountain School Instructor at Sky Ranch, and then the ropes course coordinator, and finally the community director, I delved into my faith. I read, and I thought, and I ran, and I asked questions, and I played my guitar and stayed up late and woke up early and scrubbed the floor and played in the river. God was in every ounce of it.
-At my college graduation, having earned a degree I didn't feel I'd achieved and with very, very little idea of how I wanted to spend my life, I decided to think more radically: I prayed harder, and started planning a two-month solo trek through Europe for the time after camp was over. I was certain God would clearly show me my path on a night train somewhere between Belgium and Switzerland. I wanted holy spirit bullets!
-Last fall I found myself living with my parents in the town I grew up in, working a steady but menial job as a barista and moonlighting with a major presidential campaign. Because I knew I wanted not to make minimum wage for the rest of my life - and because of the aforementioned sense of responsibility to use my gifts - I started thinking more seriously about seminary, mostly because medical school sounded awful and I couldn't picture myself doing anything else. At this point, it wasn't an attractive proposition; it was just the least repulsive one.
-By this point, I had plans to move to Aspen to be a ski instructor for the winter - my first "baby step" towards really moving away from home. Packing my car on Thanksgiving, I made sure to take all of my candidacy files - applications, viewbooks, contact information and the like. But after a month in the mountains, working my first full-time job and swimming through life in the early stages of adulthood, I got cold feet thinking about going back to school just nine short months later. My whole existence was so stress-free (and fun!); the thought of being a student again (which I found difficult and sometimes frustrating the first time around) made me anxious. I saw no urgency in applying, and decided to put it off for a year.
That little decision became the pea under my mattress. By March, I was downright bitter with myself for what was an inherently lazy choice. I was already sick of living a self-involved lifestyle; the idea of doing the same for an extra year then became the source of anxiety. I wanted to use my brain, to DO something with my life! I wanted to get the party started!
So I spent the summer just like that. I had long theological discussions with my buddy Mike on the back porch of my apartment, and he'd remark that my eyes sparkled when I talked about the apostle Peter. My boss ensured I always had Sundays off, so every week I drove the 49 miles to Good Shepherd, the closest ELCA church to Aspen. I decided to get back in shape by training for a marathon, because my body and mind weren't in tune. Just like at camp, I read, and I wrote in my journal, and I prayed, and God was in it all. Little by little, I grew so much less anxious and so much more excited.
Which brings me here: 24 years old, ecstatic to be alive and truly blessed beyond all reason. My people - my family, whom I adore, my relatives, my wonderful and extensive network of friends and peers and colleagues - enrich my life to a greater degree than I have ever thought possible. Between working, running regularly, and really exploring my surroundings (hiking, biking, swimming and lots of travel), I have created a life for myself in these mountains that fulfills me. I feel confident that I know what God wants for me next. My eyes are wide with anticipation, and I'm ready and excited to move forward.
*
To be fair, it's not finished - I want feedback from people whose thoughts matter to me, and as the consummate writing Nazi I'll be tweaking words and structure and grammar and syntax for a few days - but once and for all, I put pen to paper and out flowed six pages (SIX PAGES!) of heartfelt thought. And I'm really proud and happy with my first draft.
*
The candidacy essay is really the only thing standing between me and seminary, and therefore me and the rest of my life. The ELCA's application is very basic, a lot like a job application, save for the 2500-word Faith Autobiography they ask you to include. Because my candidacy committee is reading it - and uses it to determine my readiness for a seminary education, my spiritual fitness to follow through with my intended career path - it has intimidated the bejeezus out of me for over a year. It makes (or rather made) me nauseous. I couldn't think of how to start it, what to say, even where to write it. But yesterday I decided to buck up and get it over with.
*
I sat down in Starbucks and titled a piece of paper thus:
"Monday, September 21, 2009. Okay, essay: let's dance."
*
There were 5 bullet points the ELCA asks a candidate to cover in their essay; I opted to write what came to mind before I reviewed them, then go back and cover whatever I left out. Today, after I finished the sixth page and felt satisfied that my essay was an authentic representation of my reflection of my call, I went back to look at the bullets...and found that I'd covered everything. In detail. If that's not a Godwink, I don't know what is.
*
Right now, I think it's like I'm making muffins, and I put all of the ingredients in a bowl. Tomorrow I'm going to pick out a few bits of eggshell, mix the whole thing up, fold in some nuts...and see what happens. But at least it's all in there.
*
I'll post the whole thing once I have it typed and polished, but for now, here are a few bits and pieces:
-I was the first baby baptized at Spirit of Joy Lutheran Church in Fort Collins, Colorado. My baptism has always felt very...purposeful in the way it came about.
-Other than the notable experience of engaging in a knock-down, drag-out theological fight with an acquaintance in the FCHS library during junior year, I mostly stayed unattached from my faith through high school and into the start of my undergrad at CU.
-As a Mountain School Instructor at Sky Ranch, and then the ropes course coordinator, and finally the community director, I delved into my faith. I read, and I thought, and I ran, and I asked questions, and I played my guitar and stayed up late and woke up early and scrubbed the floor and played in the river. God was in every ounce of it.
-At my college graduation, having earned a degree I didn't feel I'd achieved and with very, very little idea of how I wanted to spend my life, I decided to think more radically: I prayed harder, and started planning a two-month solo trek through Europe for the time after camp was over. I was certain God would clearly show me my path on a night train somewhere between Belgium and Switzerland. I wanted holy spirit bullets!
-Last fall I found myself living with my parents in the town I grew up in, working a steady but menial job as a barista and moonlighting with a major presidential campaign. Because I knew I wanted not to make minimum wage for the rest of my life - and because of the aforementioned sense of responsibility to use my gifts - I started thinking more seriously about seminary, mostly because medical school sounded awful and I couldn't picture myself doing anything else. At this point, it wasn't an attractive proposition; it was just the least repulsive one.
-By this point, I had plans to move to Aspen to be a ski instructor for the winter - my first "baby step" towards really moving away from home. Packing my car on Thanksgiving, I made sure to take all of my candidacy files - applications, viewbooks, contact information and the like. But after a month in the mountains, working my first full-time job and swimming through life in the early stages of adulthood, I got cold feet thinking about going back to school just nine short months later. My whole existence was so stress-free (and fun!); the thought of being a student again (which I found difficult and sometimes frustrating the first time around) made me anxious. I saw no urgency in applying, and decided to put it off for a year.
That little decision became the pea under my mattress. By March, I was downright bitter with myself for what was an inherently lazy choice. I was already sick of living a self-involved lifestyle; the idea of doing the same for an extra year then became the source of anxiety. I wanted to use my brain, to DO something with my life! I wanted to get the party started!
So I spent the summer just like that. I had long theological discussions with my buddy Mike on the back porch of my apartment, and he'd remark that my eyes sparkled when I talked about the apostle Peter. My boss ensured I always had Sundays off, so every week I drove the 49 miles to Good Shepherd, the closest ELCA church to Aspen. I decided to get back in shape by training for a marathon, because my body and mind weren't in tune. Just like at camp, I read, and I wrote in my journal, and I prayed, and God was in it all. Little by little, I grew so much less anxious and so much more excited.
Which brings me here: 24 years old, ecstatic to be alive and truly blessed beyond all reason. My people - my family, whom I adore, my relatives, my wonderful and extensive network of friends and peers and colleagues - enrich my life to a greater degree than I have ever thought possible. Between working, running regularly, and really exploring my surroundings (hiking, biking, swimming and lots of travel), I have created a life for myself in these mountains that fulfills me. I feel confident that I know what God wants for me next. My eyes are wide with anticipation, and I'm ready and excited to move forward.
3 comments:
Way to go Kelsey! You are one amazing lady :)
The night I was baptized, the church burnt down. What praytell, does that say about me?
Kelsey,
I have been on 3 different synod candidacy committees = 14 years in total. Please know that the VAST majority of folks who serve on these things are positive, caring people who want the best for everybody. It may feel like they are the WALL between you and the Sem and your future, but they aren't. They are part of the larger discernment process, that includes you, your friends, family, teachers, parish and all the other things that God uses to call you forward to serve. Don't anguish. Just do your best, and all will be well.
Post a Comment